“When children are scared or fearful, they need to know that you care and you understand how they feel.”
So, you feel like a broken record, stating again there are no monsters under the bed. It’s simply not enough to help your child stop worrying. Here are some tips that might help if put in to practice with some regularity.
“The simple act of playing serves as a protective factor when it comes to regulating emotions [finding their calm].” – The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child by Daniel Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD
I’m starting with this quote because play on its own is very helpful for young children, too many structured activities on their schedule can make things hard emotionally, as children need some autonomy and control in choosing how they are engaged. If your child is struggling with emotions and they do have a lot on their schedule, it might help to create more space for them to do what they choose at home instead. Additionally, there are ways that spending time with them can be calming and help them find their sturdy ground.
There are three tools that we recommend to parents regularly from a parenting website called handinhandparenting.org. When children are scared or fearful, they need to know that you care and you understand how they feel. Telling them that there’s nothing to fear is rarely enough. Children benefit from added time together because this fills their connection cup and they feel their value to you which is deeply important to them. Specifically, children tend to do better emotionally when they’ve had time with you that is focused on what they want to do. This is called special time—it can be just 10 minutes of added time per day where your purpose is to do what they want to do and to follow their lead. No cell phones allowed, we can be unconscious of our attention leaving our children when we get a text or alert. Leaning in to more connected time together such as this allows children to feel their value, which is extremely comforting and regulating. Remember, this is about playing what they want to play, try not to lead the play. This fills their cups while making space for more conversation about their worries if they arise.
When a child is talking or crying about their worry or fear, staylistening is a second approach that can be very helpful. If the feelings are causing them to cry or whine, giving them the space to offload the upset with your loving patience can be very helpful. Remember, children don’t always need us to talk, they sometimes just need us to listen and be a loving presence. They also may just need to cry, which can reduce their stress load. How much better do we feel when we have a good cry? Patience and trusting their capacity to feel better once they express themselves is key. Offer empathy in your body language, sit near them or offer a lap, and provide information as they ask for it, trying not to explain more than they ask about. This is how they begin to feel more comfort and it allows them to want to return to us to talk or ask questions in the future.
Another helpful tool from this parenting approach is playlistening—so the example I was reading about on the Hand in Hand Parenting website was a mom sharing her success about pretending that she had the same fear as her child at night, with just enough drama for the child to understand she was pretending. So, the child states they are afraid of a ghost or monster, and the mom states that she’s scared too, with wide eyes and asks the child what she can do. The child then starts to chuckle and says ‘get under the covers with me.’ The parent does this, continues to pretend a little, and the child calls the parent out stating ‘You know there is no monster mom, you’re just being silly’, and laughs a bit with the mom. Then the child turns over and goes to sleep easily. This subtle way of making a joke out of the thing we are afraid of might spark some laughter and connection, and often diffuses the fear itself. When we get stuck, laughter can be a great antidote to fear or upset.
If your little one is struggling with some fears or other big emotions, we hope these approaches might offer them the support they need to find their more content selves.